– a while back I bought an expensive crystal serving dish for my wife. Shortly after getting it home, she was washing it in warm water. She did not hit it or drop it but as it was in the water, it broke in two pieces. Actually there was a flaw in the crystal dish that was not observable when we purchased it
– we can buy many things which have an inherent flaw
– in the same way, relationships can have inherent flaws
– flaws are weak spots
– flaws are the weak link in a chain
– flaws are points in a relationship that can’t handle the stress
– flaws mean something isn’t right
1. MARITAL CONFLICT RESULTS FROM INHERENT FLAWS
– 95% of marital conflict happens in one of five areas
i. Money
– 70% of marital conflict concerns money in one way or another
– the issue is not how much money a couple has
– rich people fight over money, as much, if not more than poor people
– why is money a source of conflict?
– money really isn’t the problem; dollar bills don’t scream or fight; rather, there are inherent flaws in us
– there are two flaws concerning money
a. Greed
Luke 12:15
Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”
b. Lack of contentment
1 Timothy 6:8
But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.
Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Philippians 4:11-12
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
ii. Inlaws
– when you get married, you don’t just marry an individual, you marry the clan
– the issue may come up over how and with whom you celebrate Christmas
– it may have to do with the inlaws coming over too often
– it may have to do with the kids going to one of the parents homes too often
– what’s the flaw?
– the flaw is failing to distinguish between leaving and forsaking
Matthew 19:5
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?
– couples need to leave their parents
– there has to be a separation
– and parents have to let them go
– as much as you love your kids, you have to set them free
– but that doesn’t mean kids forsake their parents
– for kids to forsake and cut the ties totally would be unkind to your parents who have a large emotional and spiritual investment in you
– and parents are not to abandon their children
– I’ve learned that parenting never stops
iii. Religion
– religion can be a source of tension in a marriage
– it’s a problem when a Christian is married to a non-Christian
– it can be an issue when individuals have different denominational backgrounds
– it can happen when one or both individuals is a believer, but is not walking closely with God
– what’s the flaw?
– it’s a lack of a partnership of faith
2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
iv. Sex
– despite all the talk about physical intimacy, it’s not as big a source of conflict as many people might think
– but it can be a source of conflict
– but what really is the flaw?
– The flaw is really a lack of understanding the nature of love
– Love must be exclusive
– Love must be giving, not taking
– problems in this area of marriage, generally stem from not keeping sex the exclusive domain of the marriage
– or, using sex for personal fulfillment rather than as an expression of love to your partner
v. Kids
– kids can be a major source of conflict
– when to have them
– how many to have
– how to discipline
– how to raise them
– but what’s the inherent flaw
– it’s really a failure to recognize the uniqueness of parental love
– there’s a difference between married love and parental love
– you chose who you married
– you don’t chose your kids!
– And they didn’t choose you!
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
2. THE ONE FATAL FLAW
– after pastoring and working with people for more than 45 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is one fatal flaw underlies all conflict and marital tension
– it is what I call, the one fatal distraction, the one fundamental flaw
– the word is not one that is going to make you jump up and down with delight
– it’s the flaw that cuts to the very core of our natures
– but it’s at the root of almost all marriage conflict
– and it’s the reason why we find it so difficult to resolve tension in our marriages
– the fatal flaw is selfishness
– the greatest issue in marriage is self-centeredness
– too many people go from relationship to relationship looking for someone to meet their needs and never learning to give love to someone else
– people say if you don’t make me happy, I’m out of here and I’ll find someone who will make me happy
– now what I am going to say is exactly opposite of what is being taught today in all the marriage books and relationship seminars
– the popular belief is …
– care for yourself first
– look out for # 1
– get rid of the baggage or whatever will hold you back
– look out for yourself … then you will be free to relate with someone else
– the problem is “self-centeredness”
– by nature, we’re primarily committed to ourselves
– this is the # 1 fatal distraction
– this is the new, unholy trinity: me, myself and I
– we’ve bought into lies like…
– you’ve got to look out for yourself because no one else is going to
Shirley McLaine, the actress, told this to the Washington Post
“The most pleasurable journey you take through life is with yourself. The only sustaining love is with yourself. When you look back on your life and try to figure out where you’ve been and where you are going and when you look at your work, your love affairs, your marriages, your children, your pain and your happiness… when you really examine it all closely, what you really discover is that the only person you go to bed with is yourself. And the only thing you really have going for you is your own identity. That’s what I’ve been trying to do all my life.
– that’s the philosophy of the world
– that’s the epitome of our world’s thinking
– Self! Self! Self!
EG. There is a modern magazine simply called, SELF
– our natural tendency is to worry about ourselves more than others
– we want others to understand us – our needs, our interests, our dreams
– self-centeredness whispers to us constantly
– it says… nothing is more important than me right now
– every marital conflict is rooted in self-centeredness
– every marital breakup is a spin off of this fatal distraction
– money problems are really self-centeredness
– communication problems are really self-centeredness
– sex problems are really self-centeredness
– temper tantrums are really self-centeredness
– where you go for Christmas is really self-centeredness
– and we complicate the problem by trying to justify our self-centeredness
– we think that if others really knew our pain or understood us, they’d be less critical
– we have pity parties … all justifying our selfishness
– I’ve got it harder than anyone else
– Nobody could possibly understand
– My upbringing, my parents, my misfortune
– Trying to excuse behavior because of our background
– this is not an exciting topic
– and it’s not exciting because it hits so close to home
– it deals with the root of all sin
– but this is the core issue in the business of putting a lasting marriage together
– self-centeredness is at the root of war and crime
– self-centeredness is ugly and destructive
– self-centeredness is built around the idea of getting what I want and when I want it, regardless of what it means to anyone else, including the kids
– self-centeredness is deep
– it’s pervasive
– and we’re all infected
– self-centeredness creates a cesspool of negative emotion that pollutes every relationship
– it permeates every aspect of the relationship…
– from how you have sex to who controls the remote to how you spend your vacation
– what does the Bible say?
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
James 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
3. THE ONE FLAWLESS RELATIONSHIP
– Before I talk about how to destroy the fatal flaw of selfishness, I want to talk about the one flawless relationship
– I want to give you the prototype relationship that is “other-centered” rather than self-centered
– I don’t know how you define God
– theologians have come up with many definitions
– the Bible tells us what God is like
– and one way to describe God is to say: God is a relationship
– there’s God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit
– we call this, the Trinity
– the point I want to make is this: the Trinity is the one perfect relationship:
– think about how the persons who make up the Trinity refer to each other and to themselves
– the Father always glorifies the Son
– the Father never says, ”Look at me!”
– the Father never says, “Look at what I’ve done!”
– the Father recognizes that the Son is God
Hebrews 1:8
But about the Son he says, “Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever, and righteousness will be the scepter of your kingdom.
– and Jesus always glorifies the Father
– the Son submits to the Father
John 4:34
“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.
– the Son submits to the Holy Spirit
Matthew 4:1
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.
– and the Holy Spirit always glorifies the Son
– and the Spirit speaks the words of the Father
– with the Trinity, there’s no arguing over who gets top billing
– no one is grasping to be in charge
– no one is jockeying for position
– there’s no self-glorification
– each Person exalts the others
– each submits to the others
– each honors the others
– the Trinity is the prototype of what every relationship should experience
– the Trinity is the model of how every marriage relationship should operate
– the Trinity demonstrates how we should get our eyes off ourselves, our interests and our concerns and fix our attention on to the needs, concerns and interests of others
– God, the Trinity, demonstrates how to be other-centered, rather than self-centered
– the Trinity models how we should relate with one another
– how can we move from self-centeredness to other-centeredness?
– Let me say up front that it’s not easy
– And let me explain why it is not easy
– selfishness is at the center of sin
– in fact many theologians say that selfishness is at the core of all sin
– I remember having this illustrated to me when I was very young
– a teacher who was leading our children’s program in the church on a Wednesday night put the word SIN on the flannelgraph board
– then she asked what was in the center of sin and pointed out the letter “I”
– she made a point that has stuck with me all my life:
– self-centeredness, selfishness, selfish ambition is at the root of all sin
4. DESTROYING THE ONE BIG FATAL FLAW
– how do we deal with self-centeredness?
i. Commit yourself to a deep level of love
– there’s a heavy-duty word that people around the church are very familiar with
– the word is agape
– it’s one of the Greek words used in the Bible to describe love
– it describes the love that God has for us
– it describes the love that Jesus demonstrated in going to the cross
– it’s a love that is totally other-centered, regardless of the personal cost
– it’s a completely self-sacrificing type of love
– this is the kind of love Paul talked about
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
– every one of these marks of love is the opposite of self-centeredness
– each of these qualities is other-centered
MATTHEW HENTRY QUOTE:
“Eve was made by God, not out of his, head to rule over him, or out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected and near his heart to be loved by him.
ii. Commit yourselves to a process of mutual submission
– Mutual submission to one another is the way to slay the monster of self-centeredness
– but this does not come easily
– it runs against the grain
– it runs counter to our natures
Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
– what does Paul tell us to do?
a. Submit
– the big word is “submit”
– he says, live together in your marriage with mutual submission
– not just women to men but men to women
– he says the way to meaningful marriage is mutual submission
– submit was used militarily in Bible times
– it meant to draw up in order for battle
– it was the red alert of its day
– it was often used with another word which meant to get under
– this is the word Paul used in telling us how to get along in our marriages
– if you want to get along, you have to issue a red alert
– you have to be willing to submit to one another
– you have to be lovingly submissive to one another
– this is tough, but it’s the only way to go
– it means consistently laying aside rights
– Dr. Lewis Director of Timberland Psychiatric Center wrote this in a book, Healthy Families:
The capacity of two people to share deep levels of intimacy is strongly correlated to shared power. Rather than dominating one another, they complement one another.”
– is that what your relationship is like?
– Guys, have you learned to submit to that lady who is sitting beside you?
– Ladies, have you learned to submit to that man beside you?
– There are a 1,001 reasons why not to submit
– But every one of those reasons is rooted in selfishness
– the healthiest marriages have shared power
– the healthiest children have parents who share power
– in surveys of emotionally healthy children, when asked who is the boss in the home, kids said, “Sometimes mom, sometimes dad!”
b. Out of reverence for Christ
– submission is “out of reverence for Christ”
– in other words, a lack of submission is selfishness and a refusal to submit to Christ
– a refusal to submit is an independent spirit that dishonors Christ
– refusing to submit is disrespectful of Christ
– in other words you can pray all day while your husband is at work…
– you can be the last to leave the altar on Sunday …
– but if you don’t practice mutual submission in your marriage, you are disrespectful of Christ
– Christ says, serve one another, submit to one another, become other-centered
– if you want your love to grow and last a lifetime, you’ve got to kill self-centeredness
– you kill self-centeredness by –
– developing a deep level of love
– committing yourselves to a process of mutual submission
– and, thirdly…
c. Repenting to God and to your spouse
– to God
– to your partner
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