This message was given jointly by Pastor Calvin Ratz and his wife Ruth Ratz
– This morning, Ruth and I are going to try to explain why women are weird and why men are a mess
– we’ve been married for 45 years
– we love each other a lot more now than we did when we were first married
– we’re committed to a love relationship that is going to last for a lifetime
– we believe love doesn’t have to die… we believe it can grow
Ruth Ratz
– our marriage has been interesting, challenging and fulfilling
– I’m married to a workalcoholic
– And that can be a challenge for anyone
– but I’m married to a workaholic who is a pastor of a church
– and I share his desire to do God’s will and serve people
– but after all these years, at times I still feel frustrated at times when I don’t have my husband around the house because he is at the church
– a pastor can’t leave his work at the office, it follows him home
– so at times his workaholism has been difficult for me
– but it’s something I’ve learned to come to grips with, because I too want our lives to count for eternity and to accomplish something significant for the kingdom of God
– three months after we were married, we left as missionaries for Hong Kong where we lived for close to five years
– our children were born in Hong Kong
– since then we’ve lived in East Africa, Syracuse, N.Y. and five other cities
– in the first 12 years of our marriage, we lived in 13 different houses!
– our lives and our marriage have been anything but dull!
– we’ve learned that both of us would be incomplete without the other
– we’ve learned the value of going through the experiences of life together
– we’ve learned the joy of sharing life’s happy moments together
– we’ve learned the value of going through life’s difficult moments together
– the title of this session is “Men are a Mess”
– have you ever noticed that men are babies when they are sick? …
– and every wife knows that her husband never knows where things are at home
Calvin Ratz
– I recently came across a survey of how certain words are assigned different meanings by men and women
– In other words, certain words mean different things to men and women
– these definitions have come from a large survey
– they don’t necessarily represent Ruth and me, but they do illustrate the point we want to make this morning
ATMOSPHERE:
Ruth: A place with romantic surroundings, a table for two, candlelight and a strolling violinist.
Cal: Any place with a big screen TV and Monday night football.
CONVERSATIONAL TOPICS:
Ruth: Interesting people and social problems
Cal: sports, politics
DAYDREAMING:
Ruth: Imagining you and your man walking along the beach and dancing under the stars
Cal: Something you do while your partner has a serious conversation with you
DELEGATION:
Ruth: Asking other family members to do things for the benefit of the whole family.
Cal: Asking your wife to help you find your car keys, your glasses and the remote control
DIRECTIONS:
Ruth: The first thing you ask for on a trip
Cal: The last thing you would ever ask for … unless you are driving into a swamp
DRESSING UP:
Ruth: Spending hours on your hair, putting on the perfect outfit and making sure your make up is perfect
Cal: A clean tee shirt
AUTOMOBILE ETIQUETTE
Ruth: Thanking him for opening my door for me
Cal: Remembering to roll down the window before you spit
PARENTING ADVICE TO TEENS
Ruth: Telling them you care and guiding them with love and wisdom
Cal: Ask your mom
FLATTERING HAIRDOS
Ruth: Getting just the right cut and hair-do to suit you
Cal: Growing one hair long enough to encircle your bald spot
KISSING:
Ruth: An expression of enjoyment and attraction and affection
Cal: First base
LISTENING:
Ruth: Focusing on every word that is said
Cal: Keeping quiet until you think of something more important to say
MANNERS:
Ruth: Formal and informal rules of thoughtful behavior designed to make others in your presence feel appreciated and comfortable
Cal: Wiping your mouth after taking a swig from the milk carton
THOUGHTFUL GIFTS FOR YOUR WIFE
Ruth: Satin lingerie, gold, diamonds
Cal: New toaster, vacuum cleaner
Calvin Ratz
– when two people get married, they know that men and women are physically different
– what they don’t understand are the major differences that go beyond the physical
– and what they’ll learn is that the physical differences are minor compared to the emotional, psychological and mental differences
– and it’s a failure to grasp the significance of these differences, that make men think women are weird and women to think that men are a mess
– how do you live together when women are weird and men are a mess?
Ruth Ratz
1. APPRECIATE YOUR UNIQUE CHARACTERISTICS
– a few years ago, we started hearing the word, “unisex”
– underlying the term is the idea that men and women are basically the same
– but as any thinking person knows, the idea that we’re unisex creatures is ludicrous
– it was back in the 1970’s that the women’s movement took off, and as a result of the movement, it became politically incorrect and unpopular to talk about any inbred differences between men and women
– many people tried to teach that the differences between men and women were not biological, but differences due to our society conditioning men and women to act certain ways for cultural or social reasons
– men became architects and engineers and truck drivers and women were to be the primary caregivers and if they were to work outside the home, if was to be as nurses or secretaries and teachers
– the idea was, that this stereotyping was the result of cultural thinking, not biological differences
– the popular belief was that if sexism could be erased, the world of men and women would be more equitable and we’d see that we’re really not that different
– certainly there was a lot of sexism in some parts of the work place
– and there were inequities in the pay scales of men and women
– and much good has been done in the treatment of women and in narrowing the pay scale gap since then
– however, I think that 30 years after the rise of the women’s movement, the evidence continues to show that there are innate differences between men and women
Calvin Ratz
– Of course, much of the feminist philosophy is fatally flawed at the core
– the Bible has said that all along
Genesis 5:2
He created them male and female and blessed them.
– God did not create unisex creatures
– Not Adam and Steve … Adam and Eve
– God intended us to be blessed from the unique enjoyment that comes from being different
– Our differences do not mean that we are not equal; we are
– But that does not change the fact that we are very, very different
Ruth Ratz
– the differences between boys and girls can be demonstrated shortly after birth
– sociologists tell us that within 52 hours, little boys are acting like little boys and little girls are acting like little girls
– God intended these differences to be a real blessing
– but too often, because we don’t appreciate the differences, they tend to be a major irritation
– in fact, both the delight of marriage and many of the difficulties in marriage, are rooted in our differences
– our differences can be a blessing or a burden
– sometimes we forget that our differences can complement each other
– what is a weakness in one spouse, is often a strength in the other
– our differences are the root of what we call the war of the sexes
– Henry Kissinger said, “No one will ever win the war of the sexes because there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.”
Calvin Ratz
– We believe that rather than trying to win the war of the sexes, we should try to understand and enjoy our differences
– Perhaps the place to start is by remembering that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day
– don’t be like one couple we heard about
– The man came home from work and forgot it was Valentine’s day. His wife said, “What a coincidence. You forgot Valentine’s Day and I forgot how to cook!”
– we have to appreciate our unique characteristics: the fact that we’re different
2. UNDERSTAND YOUR DIFFERENCES
– the difficulty we have in building a marriage that lasts for a lifetime, is that we don’t appreciate our differences and so they often get in the way
Ruth Ratz
– there are two sources of conflict in a marriage
– first, if I understand what Cal wants and needs but I refuse to provide it, that’s selfishness on my part and will lead to conflict
– second, if I don’t understand Cal well enough to know what he wants and needs and therefore don’t meet his needs, there will be conflict, but it will be based on ignorance
– last week Cal talked about the big problem of selfishness: the fatal flaw
– this week we want to help us get rid of the ignorance
– so what are the differences?
– there are many, but we will just illustrate the point by mentioning a few
i. physical differences
– some time, early in elementary school, if not before, we learned that boys and girls have different bodies
– but did you know that every cell in a woman’s body is different from every cell in a man’s body
– no male cells and female cells are alike
– men have thicker and heavier blood than women
– men have 20% more red corpuscles than women which means they tend to get more oxygen to their body quickly … which means, they generally have more energy or strength
– there are other differences and factors
– men have thicker skin … and thicker skulls
– most of the physical differences are obvious… though not all are apparent
– the appearance, the chemicals and the cycles of our bodies are very different
– God built us differently
– we need to laugh at our unique physical differences … and we do!
– But we can’t let our differences become a source of bitterness and tension
Calvin Ratz
– not only are there physical differences,….
– our brains are different
ii. men are mono-minded; women are stereo-minded
– men are mono-minded; women are stereo-minded
– what this means is that women tend to use both sides of the brain at the same time, while men use only one side or the other
– there are fibers that connect the two sides of the brain that enable the two sides of the brain to communicate with each other
– when a baby boy is carried in his mother’s womb, these connecting fibers are destroyed or damaged by the hormones passing across them
– today, doctors can measure those fibers and the fibers between the two sides of the brain are 23% wider in a woman
– this enables a woman to use both sides of the brain, while men tend to use one side or the other
– for example, women tend to listen with both ears while men tend to listen with just their right ear … if they listen at all
– tests show that when people are asked to spell a word, women use both sides of the brain, while men just use the right side
– this explains to some extent, why men excel in some things and women excel in other things
– men are mono-minded
– men can be extremely focused
– they generally set their minds on one thing at a time
– they can catch a pass from a quarterback
– they tend to gravitate to engineering more than women do
– the problem is, men can only do one thing at a time…and that is usually what interests them
– that’s why, if a woman asks her man when he comes home from work, “Did you think about me today?” the guy knows he’s caught
– he will probably have a blank look on his face because chances are that he didn’t … he was so focused on his work
– this explains why men don’t like being interrupted on the phone
– it’s why men can’t play secretary which requires doing several things at once
– it’s why men can’t carry on a meaningful conversation while driving
– it’s why men can be physically present but mentally absent
– most women have experienced this!
– it’s why men can be forgetful
Ruth Ratz
– let me illustrate this with the story of one couple
– As the husband was going out the door in the morning to work with his mind thinking ahead to what was awaiting him at the office
– his wife said, “Bet you can’t remember what day it is!”
– As he was shutting the door, the husband said, “Sure can,” and he was off to work. Of course he didn’t know.
– So at 10 AM he send her a box of Belgian chocolates by courier.
– At noon he had the florist deliver a dozen roses and
– at 3 PM he ordered a new dress to be delivered from Saks Fifth Avenue.”
– The man went home after work, feeling like a hero.
– His wife met him at the door and said, “Honey this sure has been some day.
– First there were chocolates, then flowers and then a new dress.
– Honey, this is the best Ground Hog Day I’ve ever had!”
– women are different; they are stereo-minded
– they can be in the family room, thinking about something in the bed room while on the way to the garage to get something
– that’s why women can change subjects in mid-sentence
– women’s brains play verbal ping pong … what a gift!
– a woman can go to the mall to buy a new dress for herself and come home with a complete outfit for the neighbor’s new baby
Calvin Ratz
iii. men are competitive; women are relational
– men tend to be competitors, while women are relational
– men are not relational by nature; they are competitors
– for men, everything is a contest
– boys talk about where they’ve been, what they’ve done and who can throw the ball the farthest and who’s dad is the richest
Ruth Ratz
– women are relational
– girls like to sit together in a corner and giggle at the boys they are watching
– girls like fairy tales and romance movies
– girls are easily hurt by their girl friends
– boys establish a pecking order
– they want to know what slot they fit in
– men try to control everything around them
– they need to conquer
– it’s why men tend to have few close friends
– it’s why sports are important to a man
– whether playing a game or cheering for his team…
– a man feels he wins when his team wins
– this is why it’s difficult to travel with a man
– for a gal, the trip is an enjoyable experience and an opportunity to be together for a while
– for a guy, a trip means places to conquer, distances to overcome, cars to pass!
– that’s why a man is irritated with constant bathroom stops on the way
– he’s thinking, We’ve got to get there!
– it’s also why men won’t ask for directions on how to get there
– he’s got to figure it out
– if he stops and asks directions, he loses and is admitting failure
– that’s why a guy gets irritated when you ask, do you know where you are going?
Calvin Ratz
iv. Different emotional needs
– both men and women can be emotional
– but our emotional needs are different
– women tend to be emotional over relationships
– men tend to get emotional over things
– a woman has a deep need to relate to her husband on an emotional level
– unless the emotional needs are met, there’s a feeling inside a woman that the marriage is empty and the marriage isn’t working
Ruth Ratz
– men don’t function the same way
– they generally don’t need the emotional touchy-feely stuff
– men are matter of fact
– it’s the bottom line that matters
– so men and women are extremely different
– we’re not what we are, just because we are conditioned a certain way…
– when God made us, he wired us up differently on purpose
– The list of differences goes on and on
– There are psychological, intellectual and social differences
– so there’s this big gap between men and women
– how are we going to bring understanding and avoid confusion?
– How are we going to learn from each other?
– How are we going to keep from stepping on each other?
Calvin Ratz
3. BRIDGE THE GENDER GAP
1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
i. Live with her
– these words are in the present tense
– in other words, never stop the process of living with her
– it is always wrong to exit a marriage, either emotionally or physically
– it’s always wrong to immerse ourselves in our work, our hobbies, our sports, our special interests… to escape a love relationship
– recognize your wife as…
– the weaker partner
– an equal heir of God’s grace
– and realize that if you don’t, your prayers won’t be answered
ii. Be knowledgeable
1 Peter 3:7 (KJ)
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife…
“according to knowledge”
– this means to live with your wife in an understanding way
– God knew that men would have a hard time figuring women out
– women are wired so differently from men, that it’s natural for men to think women are weird
– they aren’t weird, they are just different
– and men aren’t a mess, they are just configured differently than women
– Peter said, never stop trying to understand each other
– no matter how perplexing your partner is, never give up trying to figure out your partner
– live together according to knowledge
Ruth Ratz
iii. Be considerate
– to be considerate means… to give the highest degree of esteem and dignity
– it means being sensitive to your wife and what drives her
EG. Men, when you see your wife crying and you ask “What’s wrong?” your wife may say, “Oh nothing”
– men don’t believe her…follow through, get to the reason, be understanding
– to be considerate means to be affectionate
– your wife wants you to verbalize the words, “I love you!” often
– find creative ways of showing affection
– perhaps you heard of the elderly couple sitting on the sofa
– the wife was feeling amorous and nostalgic
– she said, “Why don’t you nibble my ear like you used to?”
– after some persuasion, the old man looked at her and said, “OK, hand me my teeth!”
– I believe in 20-second hugs
– it’s hard to be mad at someone you hug for 20 seconds
– women love an affectionate kiss
– a German study has shown that the secret of a long and successful life is a morning kiss
– A team of psychologists, insurance company representatives and physicians worked together on this project
– They found the key to a healthier and wealthier life is found in one single act: a morning kiss
– It’s important to you and your wife
– These researchers found that men who gave a morning kiss …
– have fewer accidents on the way to work in the morning
– miss less work because of sickness
– earn 20-30% more money
– and every-morning kissers live an average five years longer
– women love to hug and kiss …
– so you fill your wife’s emotional tank when you hug her, give her a kiss and say I love you
– it’s cheap fuel!
Calvin Ratz
iv. Respect her
– when I was dating Ruth, an older lady asked me how I knew I loved Ruth – I said I respected her
– Peter says, husbands must respect their wives
– Paul balances that by saying, wives must respect their husbands
Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
– both Peter and Paul use the word respect
– but in fact, while the translation into English of the word they used is the same, the word in Greek for respect that Peter used, is not the same Greek word that Paul used for respect
– if you put these verses together, they describe mutual respect
– but that respect is demonstrated in different ways
i. the word Peter used
– the word Peter uses for respect is a classical Greek word that means to worship
– that doesn’t mean a husband is to burn incense or to bow down to his wife
– it means to honor, give dignity, to esteem and treat as precious
– it literally means to lift up and place on a pedestal
– men are to respect their wives
– it doesn’t matter their age, their shape or their skills
– we are to assign value and worth to them
– we are to prize them
– we are to lift them up and put them on a pedestal
– and we do that with words, with actions and with touch
Ruth Ratz
ii. the word Paul used is different
– Paul said women are to respect their husbands
– But Paul used a different word
– Whereas Peter’s word meant that men are to place their wives on a pedestal, Paul used a Greek word from which we get the English word “phobia”
– this word literally means to frighten, to alarm, to be startle
– and certainly, many a man has startled his wife at one time or another
– the word Paul used, evolved to mean, to be in awe of, to reverence; to bow down and to pay homage
Ephesians 5:33 (KJ)
… the wife see that she reverence her husband.
– now, put this all in perspective
– men are to lift women up onto a pedestal
– and women are to bow down and pay homage to their husbands
– now if a woman is on a pedestal, the only way to make contact with her man is to kneel and bow down!
– when a man is trying to put a woman on a pedestal and a woman is trying to bow down, you’ve got the making of a great love relationship
Calvin Ratz
– the trouble is, that by nature…
– no man wants to put a woman on a pedestal
– and no woman wants to bow down to a man
– but in a marriage that lasts for a lifetime, that’s what happens
– when both a husband and a wife are showing respect, you’ve got a love relationship that is working and that is growing
Ruth Ratz
– men love to remind their wives of how Sarah treated Abraham in the Old Testament
1 Peter 3:6
… They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master.
– guys, when was the last time your wife woke up and called you master?
– there are many stories told about Vince Lombardi, the legendary coach of the Green Bay Packers
– my favorite story concerns the night he climbed into bed with his wife and stuck his cold feet on her back
– His wife said, “Good lord your feet are cold!”
– He replied, “Please honey! In the privacy of our bedroom, you can call me Vince!”
Calvin Ratz
CONCLUSION:
– so women aren’t really weird and men aren’t really a mess
– but we certainly are different
– we need to appreciate the uniqueness of men and women
– we need to understand our differences
– and we need to work to bridge the gap between us
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