– it doesn’t take long into a marriage to realize that the person you married isn’t perfect
EG. I read of a man who was attracted to a woman because she had a marvelous singing voice
– well, they got married and went on their honeymoon
– on the honeymoon, he discovered his wife had a wooden leg, false teeth and just had a few strands of her own hair so always wore a wig…
– but he reminded himself that she was a great soloist
– everything went fine until he woke up the first morning of his honeymoon and he saw his wife in bed beside him
– There was no leg … it was over by the chair
– her mouth was open and her teeth were missing; they were in a glass by the bed
– and her wig wasn’t on … just a few strands of disheveled hair
– He woke her up and said, honey… quick… please sing!
– it doesn’t take long for the personality flaws to show up
– when the imperfections show up, we notice them first in our partners
– and when we see them, we tend to point them out
– one guy said to his wife, “You don’t smell bad for a fat woman!”
– if we are going to make it for the long haul, we have to establish some ground rules for the relationship
– we need to say, this is the way we’re going to do things in our marriage
– this is how we will work through disagreements and build a fulfilling relationship
– ground rules really spell out the obvious
– but I’ve learned that some things that should be obvious, apparently aren’t
– I am constantly amazed how people miss the obvious
– Our government now forces companies to spell certain things out because some people simply don’t get what should be abundantly clear
EG. here are some warning labels that have been printed on consumer products
– Sears has a warning label on a hair dryer that says, “Do not use while sleeping!”
– A Swanson frozen dinner has a label that says, “Defrost before consuming”
– Mark & Spencer’s bread pudding has this warning, “Product will be hot after heating”
– A Rowena Iron cautions: “Do not iron clothing while on your body”
– There’s a child’s cough medicine with a label that says, “Do not drive car or operate any machinery after taking this medicine.”
– Nytol sleeping pills warn, “This may cause drowsiness.”
– Stanberry peanuts has a warning label that says, “Contains nuts”
– American Airlines has a packet of nuts with this printed on the outside: “Open packet. Eat nuts!” You wonder if they have to talk like that when they train their pilots.
– On a child’s Superman costume, there is a warning that says, “This garment does not enable you to fly!”
– The most outlandish warning sign I found was from a Swedish manufacturer of chain saws. It said: “Do not attempt to stop chain saw with your hand or other body parts!”
– Some things in life just ought to be obvious
– but for some people, apparently they aren’t
– and the same is true for love and marriage
– some things should be obvious, but they aren’t
– love and marriage shouldn’t be so hard
– but we complicate it by the things we say and the things we do or don’t do
– we mess up, not generally because of the big things, but because we mess up the obvious things
– there are basic ground rules that apply to all marriages
– they apply to all couples
– some ground rules need to be established for a particular couple to meet a particular need
– I want to mention some ground rules that should be obvious, but rarely are
– I’ve limited the list to two ground rules for lasting love
1. COMMUNICATE FROM THE HEART
i. Communication is the lifeblood of marriage
– the health of any marriage relationship is determined by the quality of communication between the marriage partners
ii. Good communication does not happen naturally
EG. communication breakdowns…
– a college student who was looking for summer work and went house to house asking people if they needed their houses painted
– one man told him to paint the porch and that he’d find the paint in the garage
– the student eagerly went to work and when he was done, he went back to the man to report on his work and to get paid
– He said, “Sir, I’m finished, but sir, you need to know that’s not a Porsche in the garage, it’s a Ferrari”
– good communication does not happen naturally
– you have to work at it
– in fact, healthy communication is painstaking and difficult and risky
– but without it, there are all sorts of problems
iii. Good communication is absolutely necessary
– without quality communication …
– there can be no emotional closeness
– there is no way to solve problems
– there’s no real love
– healthy communication is at the core of every successful marriage
– unfortunately , much family communication has degenerated into joint television watching
iv. God is the model of effective communication
– interesting as it may seem, God is the world’s greatest communicator
Hebrews 1:1-4
In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son…
– three things:
– first, God spoke
– second, God spoke many times
– he didn’t just say it once; he said it over and over
– third, God spoke in many ways
– God spoke through creation
– God spoke through the giving of the Law
– God spoke through miraculous signs and wonders
– God spoke through the prophets
– that‘s the pattern we have to follow
v. We have to communicate in many ways
– EG. 10 communication tools
Written, Verbal, audio (volume & tone of voice), pictures, smell (Channel 5), artifacts, space, time, body language, etc.
– EG. Church: drama / screens / music / reading Scripture / speaking
– the same is true in marriage
– credibility comes when all the signals agree
– if there is conflict with the signals, the words are the least believed
vi. We have to understand our partner’s communication needs and style
– one man said the reason men and women have difficulty communicating is that women never say what they want… to which a woman countered…we do say what we want; you men are just never listening
– the fact is, there are major differences in the way men and women communicate:
– and it starts very early in life
– Girls have a verbal orientation; boys are noise oriented
EG. Listening to a child play alone in a room
– Girls will be having a conversation with dolls;
– The boys will be making car noises
– And it will be the same for millions of couples watching the Superbowl
– Girls tend to be people-oriented; boys are thing-oriented
– EG. Ask children to draw something
– A boy will draw a thing… a car, a house, an airplane or a boat
– A girl will tend to draw a person
– Girls tend to be process-oriented; boys tend to be bottom-line oriented
EG. Women talk to expand a topic; men talk to narrow down on a topic
– for a woman, the process of talking is important
– for a man, the topic is important
– for example, when a wife says to her husband, “We need to talk,” The worst thing a husband can say is “Sure, what do you want to talk about?”
EG. A wife asking me, “What did you do today?” and a husband getting his day timer to run through the facts
– I prefer the question, “How was your day?” I can handle that with one word: Fine! Great! Miserable! Busy!
– we communicate for different reasons
– men communicate to find solutions
– women communicate for sharing themselves
– therefore when your wife starts to talk, the first thing a man thinks about is the solution
– as a man listens, he is looking for answers
– a man goes into your Mr. Fix-it mode
– and that frustrates a woman, because she isn’t looking for an answer, she just wants you to listen and hear her heart
– that’s why a woman will jump from one subject to another … subjects that have nothing to do with each other
– it’s the process that matters
– this drives a man crazy because a man is wondering…what does this have to do with that?
– The trouble is, men, when you get frustrated trying to get to the bottom line, it shows on your face and your wife thinks you don’t care
– Really you do care… you are just frustrated trying to figure out the bottom line
vii. We have to strive to communicate with total honesty
– there are five levels of communication
– Cliché – how are you?
– reporting facts – Mary got her hair cut
– ideas and opinions – I think she needed to get her hair cut
– emotions and feelings – I like her new hair cut
– total honesty – idealistic – you can say anything without fear of rejection
2. GUARD YOUR THOUGHTS
– every marriage has challenges to work through
– there are issues that you may disagree about
– there are things which each mate looks at differently
– most of the time we talk it over, resolve the situation, come to grips with the situation, compromise and go on with life
– the issue doesn’t destroy the marriage because underneath, there is a commitment to love … to love … for better and for ever
– most of us can relate to situations like that
– you know what it means to kiss, make up, forget about it and go on with life
– but not everyone does that
– some people stuff their harsh feelings down inside
– rather than forgiving and forgetting, they harbor resentment
– they keep track of when they’ve lost the debate
– they keep a score card
– the issue never leaves their thinking
– then, days and weeks afterwards … when their partners have long forgotten the discussion, they are still running the tape over and over in their minds
– that’s often when the serious conflict erupts
– let me mention three possible responses to conflict and tension
i. Curse your partner
– one reaction is to curse your partner and give vent to your anger
– but here’s what the Bible says
Romans 12:14
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
– bless those who disagree with you
– curse has spiritual implications
– it has the idea of profanity
– to curse means to give full verbal vent to your emotions and anger
– but at the root, it has the idea of putting someone or something down
– this is the response of our sinful nature
– remember, when you curse something, nothing good will ever come from it
– cursing is the fruit of anger
– anger towards your spouse is intensely damaging
– the Bible says, don’t curse your partner, bless your partner
– to bless means to look for some redeeming value in the other person
– to bless means to pray the best for someone else
– how many blessing words do you know?
– Sadly we know far more cursing words than blessing words
– when there’s a disagreement, you can curse your partner or you can bless your partner
– if you can’t bless your partner, there’s something wrong with you
– there’s an African saying: when the buffalo fight, the grass gets burnt
ii. Nurse and rehearse your feelings
Romans 12:18
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
– when there is conflict, we can stuff our emotions inside
– we can try to bury those feelings
– we may not say or do anything, we just feed our emotions to the pot that’s boiling inside us
– we can nurse negative feelings about other people
– we can create bitterness and resentment inside us
– friend, if you nurse and rehearse your feelings, you’ll destroy your marriage
– if you play those thoughts over and over, it will destroy you
– if you play it over and over in your mind, it will eat your insides out
– the more you rehearse it, the more resentful you become
– there are two ways you can do this
– first, we rehearse our problems creating a mental make-over
– you know what a physical make-over is
– someone reworks your colors, your clothing, your makeup and hairstyling
– all to make a person look differently
– a mental make-over does the same thing with a situation or an event
– only it all happens in your mind
– you play the tape over and over…
– and each time you do, you add a little to the tape
– the more you rehearse it, the more you build it up in your mind until what you are playing over in your mind bears little resemblance to the truth
– second, we rehearse it with gossip
– this is the sport of rehearsing our hurts and nursing our feelings with someone else
– someone said a gossip is a beast of prey who is not intent to wait for the death of his victim
– why do we gossip?
– we do it because we enjoy it
– we do it because we like inviting people to our pity parties
Proverbs 26:22
The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.
– They go deep into the heart … to a man’s inmost parts
– Gossip tastes great
– But it poisons the gossipper
– And it poisons the listener
Psalm 101:5
Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, him will I not endure.
– here’s the ground rule:
– let go of the past if you want to enjoy the present so you can face the future
– don’t curse, bless
– don’t nurse and rehearse your feelings
– nothing good comes of rehearsing our hurts
– what’s the solution?
iii. Resolve and reverse the situation
– the point is not to win an argument … it’s to win peace
– peace, harmony and love are the objective
– but too often we nurse our attitudes so we want to win an argument rather than win the peace
– next time you have a disagreement, ask yourself this question: is my mate the culprit or my companion?
Romans 12:18, 21
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
– Paul said, make sure you are on the path to peace
– make peace your objective
– don’t let the evil of your sinful nature overcome you
– rather, overcome evil by your good response to the situation
– you will never reverse a situation until you put yourself on the pathway of peace
– Do what is right
Romans 12:17
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
– Refuse to retaliate
Romans 12:19
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
– revenge appeals to us
– when someone wrongs us, we want to get even
– but that can destroy a marriage
– if I take steps to get even …
– then my partner takes revenge…
– And then I take another step of revenge
– And before long we’ve destroyed the marriage with the revenge-cycle
– React righteously
Romans 12:20
On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
– this verse says let God handle the revenge
– he can handle it a lot more fairly than you can
– instead, feed your opponent and give him something to drink
– Paul is saying, bless, don’t curse
– That’s the way to “heap burning coals on his head.”
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