Americans disagree about what to do about health care. Christians disagree about the purpose of the local church. Couples disagree about how to spend money.
As have all leaders, I’ve experienced disagreements. Certainly, not everyone has seen life the way I have nor have they had the same vision for ministry that I have had. I’ve learned a lot about disagreements, most of which I wish I had known when I started public ministry.
Disagreements happen. They are part of life. They surface in our churches. They erupt in every relationship. Disagreements are inevitable. If two people agree on everything, one person is not necessary. Disagreements can happen in a marriage, a relationship or a work environment. Churches can disagree about a philosophy of ministry, teaching curriculum and music style.
Any organization without the expression of diverse ideas has rejected diversity, genuine discussion and risk-taking. It will bottleneck its growth and effectiveness.
I’ve observed that most ministry teams have conflict but lack the skills to bring it to a successful resolution.
Paul and Barnabas had a major disagreement about including John Mark on the team for their second missionary journey. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. (Acts 15:39).
They faced their disagreement, determined to go separate ways and out of the disagreement, the workforce in the kingdom expanded and John Mark was salvaged for kingdom ministry.
A PERSONALITY ISSUE?
Not every disagreement is a personality issue. However, some are. Here’s what Paul wrote to the church at Philippi. I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. (Philippians 4:2).
From the meaning of their names, it is reasonable to assume that this was a personality issue. Euodia means “prosperous journey.” She was a woman who had arrived, a person with friends in high places and good connections. Syntyche means “pleasant acquaintance.” She was a good mixer, the kind of person in demand for social events, the kind of person invited out after church for coffee. We don’t know the exact cause of the disagreement, but it is not hard to imagine these high profile woman having personality issues.
But most disagreements are honest differences in the way a situation is viewed. People can disagree on the type of music in a church, the nature of children’s ministry or whether to relocate a church.
A disagreement is a difference of opinion on how to approach a situation. A disagreement is rooted in one’s values, needs, interests, background and intentions. A disagreement is not simply a personality issue; it is differing ways of seeing a situation, two points of view.
Many have observed that without conflict, the New Testament would have taken an entirely different direction. Out of controversy arose revelations from God and fresh ways of doing church. And the same is true throughout church history. Most denominations are the result of the followers of Jesus having theological, national or personal disagreements!
DISAGREEMENTS: GOOD OR BAD?
If not handled properly, disagreements can be costly when you reach the point where it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong.
If handled properly, disagreements can spark fresh ideas, new solutions and innovative approaches to life and ministry.
Disagreements do not have to be negative. No one has to be hurt over a disagreement. Disagreements reveal your real character. Disagreements serve to show new and better ways. Disagreements will show you who your friends really are. Disagreements properly handled show unchurched people a better way of living.
A work environment that does not foster differing opinions robs the group of potentially good ideas. No one person is smart enough to have all the answers. Not being able to voice disagreements pushes dissent underground and erodes support.
Just because disagreement is not voiced is no indication of positive support. People need to know that they can speak up and be heard without adverse consequences. Great leaders openly solicit differing ideas, perspectives and beliefs to discover better ways of doing things.
HOW TO DEAL WITH DISAGREEMENTS
1. Don’t avoid them. Avoiding disagreements does not make them go away. Disagreements are only dangerous when not dealt with.
Don’t be intimidated. Don’t pretend a disagreement doesn’t exist. You don’t need to tiptoe around it. Your ability to deal with disagreements among staff, friends or an entire congregation determines your ability to lead.
Acknowledge that there is a situation and agree to meet to discuss the issues. Trying to sweep things under the rug or denying what everyone else knows, will not resolve any situation.
Meet together in person. Don’t use email to deal with a disagreement. An email is too easy to misunderstand and misinterpret.
2. Determine the real cause of the disagreement. Agree together on what the difference really is. Often disagreements emerge from other issues, The disagreement is a symptom of a bigger issue. Often, people are arguing for a personal agenda which is never stated.
Define the problem. Determine underlying issue. Find areas of common agreement.
3. Separate the person from the problem. Don’t make every disagreement a personality issue. Let people express their feelings. Remember to love the person while you discuss the issue.
Don’t see every disagreement as a situation where one side is completely right and the other side is completely wrong. Don’t be competitive. Competition does not help a group work together. With competition (of ideas etc.) there has to be a winner and a loser and that approach never resolves anything.
4. Help people understand the difference between disagreeing and divisiveness. It’s OK to disagree. It is sinful to be divisive. Remember the words of Paul about maintaining unity. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:3).
5. Be as flexible as possible. While there are some situations where compromise is impossible, there is always room for some flexibility. In resolving a situation, every party must come away with something. It is like sailing. You can’t change the wind but you can adjust your sails.
6. Keep emotions under control. Deal with anger. Avoid negative or confrontational language. Remember that disagreements can generate strong emotional responses, especially when your ideas are challenged. Wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook!
People who are good with hammers see every problem as a nail!
You don’t need to use a sledgehammer to kill a fly on the wall. If you do, you’ll destroy the wall and may miss the fly!
8. Find solutions. This is what happened during the First Jerusalem Council. The disagreement concerned weather Gentiles needed to be circumcised to become Christians. When leaders met, they followed a plan to resolve the issues. It is a plan churches would do well to follow today. It’s told in Acts 15. Without a plan, there would only have been rhetoric and the dispute would have continued with confusion.
* Only the relevant issues were discussed.
* There was room for discussion but it was discussion with one accord (v. 25).
* There was total reliance on the Holy Spirit in discerning truth.
* A statement of belief was issued confirming the findings.
* They implemented a plan of action.
9. Move toward each other, not away from each other. Agree not to discuss the issue or each other with other people after the meeting.
If handled properly, disagreements can help us see better ways of doing things and better uses of resources and new skills. If not handled properly, disagreements degenerate into conflict. Going into the meeting, remember you want to come out of it as friends.
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