– Nothing starts out with such high expectations as marriage
– when you go to a wedding, everyone is smiling, everyone is dressed up and everyone is on his best behavior
– brides wear pretty dresses; grooms squeeze into tuxedos
– people sing songs with the word “forever”
– there’s a lot of sentiment, or as one of my friends says, a lot of sediment
– yet despite all the expense of a wedding and everyone’s good intentions, a lot of marriages don’t make it
– we know the statistics all too well
– but divorce statistics are just the tip of the iceberg
– many of those couples who do stay together, fall short of their dreams
– we start out expecting a dream marriage… the marriage of our dreams
– but as one man said to me, “I sure wish I had a dream marriage. My marriage is more like a nightmare.”
– if you pry away the masks and the facades of many marriages, there are a lot of unsatisfied desires, mixed emotions and a lot of buried feelings
– nobody gets married to be miserable
– yet at some time after the honeymoon… it may be a few weeks or it may be a few years … there is a rude awakening
– the stars in your eyes turn to sand …
– in marriage, no wife ever expects what she gets and no man gets what he expected
– we bring a lot of baggage with us into the marriage
– only the marriage of Adam and Eve started without a lot of baggage
– Adam didn’t have to hear about all the men Eve could have married
– and Eve didn’t have to hear about his mother’s cooking.
– When a couple tells me that their marriage was made in heaven, I remind them that thunder and lightening are also made in heaven
– here are some things I’ve heard people say about love and marriage
– “Love is temporary insanity that’s curable by marriage”
– here is what some married women have said…
– “I believe God created men because he couldn’t teach gorillas to clean the garage and mow the lawn”
– “A bachelor is a guy who has avoided the opportunity to make women miserable”
– “If men are God’s gifts to women, God must really like gag gifts”
– In every system of theology, devil figures are always male
– I would add … so are angels always male!
– “The difference between government bonds and men is that bonds eventually mature”
– On the other hand, most men know that women are out to trap them and rob them of their freedom
– “Men know that at weddings, showers are for women and its curtains for the men”
– “One man told a friend that he had half a mind to get married and his friend said that’s all it is going to take”
– comments like these show there’s a lot of hurt and misunderstanding in marriage
– our attempts at humor are our way to take the edge off our hurts
– this is the start of a 5-part series, “For better, Forever “
– I believe God wants our marriages to be better than they are
– I know he wants them to last for as long as we live
– this series is designed to help us squarely face reality
– I want us to get beyond the sentiment and the cliches about love
– I want to deal with reality
– it’s time to get beyond the blame game
– it’s time to stop saying that you married the wrong person
– it’s time to accept responsibility for who we are
– it’s time for us to roll up our sleeves and put our marriages together with a deep level of trust, love and commitment
– let me say a word to those who are not married
– I want to assure those of you who are single… either never married, single parents, divorced or widowed, that what I am going to say will have a great deal of application to you
– the basic principles that work in building a great marriage, also work in developing wholesome relationships with those around us
– and that is something we all need help in doing
– so what we’re talking about applies in a variety of ways
1. WHAT IS A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE?
– the dictionary doesn’t give us much help in defining any marriage, let alone a Christian marriage
– Webster says, “Marriage is the state of being married”
– He adds, “Marriage is the relation between a man and a woman who have become husband and wife”
– Webster doesn’t really help us a great deal
– So here’s the definition of a Christian marriage that I have used for several years
Definition:
Christian marriage is: two imperfect people, entering into a committed relationship, diligently pursuing love, under the direction of God
i. Two imperfect people:
– Here’s something to remember when you buy your next new car
– in the showroom the car is polished and the lights shining brightly
– But some day that car will have dings in the door, and your kid will throw up on the seats
– and remember:
– no car is perfect
– some cars are lemons
– and there will be factory recalls for many of them
– you need to think of that before you get married
– every marriage partner has flaws
– but unlike your car, you’re not supposed to trade in your wife in for a new model every three years or 50,000 miles which ever comes first
– just accept this fact up front
– no woman marries the perfect man and no man marries the perfect woman
ii. Who enter into a committed relationship
– God designed marriage to be a committed relationship
– the big word is “commitment”
– God wants marriage to be a secure relationship
– not a relationship where one spouse lays awake at night wondering whether the other will come home
– or where kids wonder if dad or mom is ever going to come
– there’s only one kind of marriage that works: commitment-marriage
– without commitment there is no intimacy, there’s no trust and there’s no permanency
– without commitment by both partners, there will be no emotionally healthy children
– there needs to be a commitment to love… forever … for the duration
iii. Diligently pursuing love
– every marriage starts with the emotions of love
– dream marriages go beyond the emotions of love to pursue a mature love
– learning to love is what marriage is about after the honeymoon
– much of what passes for love before the wedding is really selfishness
– everyone of us needs to learn how to receive and how to give love
– few of us start out as great lovers
– we have to learn to give and receive love
– we have to pursue it
you don’t get married just to get into bed with someone
you don’t get married to solve your feelings of loneliness
you don’t marry to satisfy your parents or get away from your parents
you get married to pursue meaningful, lasting, love
iv. Carried out under the loving direction of God
– Christian marriage starts with the commitments being made before God
– Nowhere in the Bible does it tell us how to perform weddings
– In fact, nowhere does it tell pastors or the church to get into the wedding business
– But we do get married in church for a reason
– Not because the church is pretty
– But because we are saying our promises and making our commitments not just to each other and before our friends… but in God’s presence
– He hears what we say and knows what we promise
– And he holds us accountable for what we promise to do
– but a Christian marriage is not just one that starts in a church
– a Christian marriage makes God a part of the marriage every day
– a Christian marriage makes God an active partner in the relationship
– there are lots of pot holes on the road to love
– it takes enormous amount of determination to make a marriage work
– you need God’s help
– only God can give you that kind of determination
– only God gives the kind of courage, honesty and humility you need
– only God can give you the motivation to serve each other
– only God can give you a heart to forgive
– so marriage is… Two imperfect people entering into a committed relationship, diligently pursuing love, under the direction of God
2. WHAT IS A DREAM MARRIAGE?
– how would you describe a dream marriage?
– what characteristics would you put on the list?
– I’m going to mention five characteristics that I’d put on my list
– the list is probably unique for what is not on the list
– there’s no mention of money or material things
– and great sex doesn’t make the list
– extensive research among couples with marriages that have lasted for the long haul, indicates that less than 10% feel that good sexual relations kept their marriage together
– so while that area of marriage is vitally important, it’s not on the list
– what is on the list?
i. A relationship marked by a deep level of love
– studies show that 9/10 couples say love is the most important ingredient in marital happiness
– the song says, “Love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage.”
– it’s interesting that the Bible does not say love is a prerequisite for a wedding; it says it’s a requirement for those who are married
– remember that the Bible does not tell us to marry the person we love; it tells us to love the person to whom we are married
– many Bible marriages were arranged marriages
– in some cases the groom did not even know the bride until the wedding day
– Isaac and Rebekah loved each other deeply, but they hadn’t met until they were married
– the lyrics to love songs are amazing
EG. Song: When a man loves a woman
– Lewis Wright wrote a song and pop singer Michael Bolten sang it
– It’s called, “When a man loves a woman”
Here are some of the lyrics to that song…
When a man loves a woman, he can’t keep his mind on nothing else
– certainly not grammar
He’d trade the world for the good thing he has found
– that sounds good
– this guy would trade the world for the woman he has found
When a man loves a woman, he’d give up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain, if she said that’s the way it ought to be
– can we talk a minute
– I ask you, wouldn’t most men want to discuss plan “B” if the wife said I want you to sleep out in the rain because that’s the way it ought to be
– I think there’s a little poetic license, romantic hyperbole in that line
When a man loves a woman, I give you everything I got…yeah… trying to hold onto your precious love, baby. Don’t treat me bad.
– I think she treated him bad when she told him to sleep out in the rain
– it reminds me of what you get if you play a tape of country and western music backwards: you get back your truck, your bank account and your wife!
– society has totally distorted our understanding of what love is all about
– There’s a lot of talk about love but it’s really a counterfeit love
– we need to understand what true love is all about
– love is a feeling, but it is much more
– Love has to be more than cuddling and cooing
Married love is…
– a decision to put the welfare, happiness and fulfillment of your partner ahead of your own
– that means a wedding is a funeral
– at the wedding, if you really love each other, you will die … you will die to yourself so you can live for your partner
– this kind of love is unconditional
– there are no strings attached
– there is no time limit
– that kind of love accepts your partner, “as is”
ii. A relationship marked by emotional closeness
– emotional closeness is not the same as love
– many couples deeply love each other, but have little emotional closeness
– let me illustrate this…
– in the first year of life, babies become emotionally attached to their mothers
– we’ve all seen a small child’s reaction when taken away from its mother
– some children are so attached, you can’t take the child away without an outburst of tears
– then as they learn to crawl and walk, they begin to explore the world
– they experience other people
– some children will go off for a while to someone else and are OK as long as everything is happy
– but if something happens, the child wants mommy and begins to cry
– when mommy holds that child, the child wants to be held close
– the child clings very tightly to his mother
– psychologists call this “bonding” or “attachment”
– the child has security because of the attachment
– dream marriages have a similar kind of attachment and bonding
– as we go out into the marketplace we experience misunderstanding and criticisms
– we experience the bumps and bruises of life
– we need to come home to the one we love where we find a deep level of attachment
– we need that bonding in our marriage relationships where we feel safe, secure, loved and understood
– that kind of attachment comes through emotional closeness
– both men and women need this emotional closeness
– but women particularly want a husband who is capable of relating on a deep emotional level
– unfortunately, what women are craving the most, is what frightens men the most
– but listen men… no woman wants to be married to a comatose couch potato who snores and bores her to tears
– we’ll be talking about this in another session
– physical intimacy is when you take off your clothes
– emotional intimacy is when you take off your masks to reveal what you are thinking and what you are feeling
– there’s listening and talking
– your partner is more important than work, TV, hobbies and friends or any other attachment
– your greatest attachment should be to your marriage partner
EG. Man driving carefully towing a big new boat
– his wife asked him why he was driving so carefully
– he replied that he had never had anything so valuable in his car before
iii. A relationship with shared power and responsibility
– dream marriages involve both partners in decision-making and handling the responsibilities for the family
– someone has to take the lead, and that should be the husband
– that doesn’t make the man a dictator or an insensitive, self-serving bully
– a husband leads and loves as Jesus did
– and remember, that Jesus died for his bride, the church
– in dream marriages, there’s equality of worth and there’s shared responsibility
– both partners feel important
– both feel they are contributing positively to the marriage
– this issue has become confused in the last 20 years
– the women’s movement did a lot of good and it did a lot of damage
– there has to be leadership and followership
– marriage cannot survive if there are two heads
– a man’s leadership does not demean women in any way
– rather, it protects and provides for all a woman’s needs
– the Bible says that Jesus, the Son of God is equal to God the Father
– Philippians says, equality with God the Father was not something that Jesus had to grasp for
– But their equality did not mean they had the same responsibility
– In fact, Jesus submitted to the will or leadership of Father-God
– When Jesus said, I have come to do the will of my Father,” he did not diminish his worth or position in any way
– it’s in this context there needs to be shared power and responsibility
– things where the husband takes the lead
– things where the wife takes the lead
– there’s equal love and equal worth
– in dream marriages, power and responsibility are shared
– when there’s a disagreement, decisions are made fairly and mutually, as much as possible
– dream marriages are not one-sided
iv. A balance between independence and dependence
– great marriage partners learn to depend on one another in ways that enrich both their lives
– no matter how strong you are, your partner needs to feel needed
– not just as a cook, a provider or lover
– there needs to be a sense that the partners need each other… emotionally
– yet great marriage partners also are equally independent from each other in ways that enrich their lives
– in healthy marriages, partners don’t smother each other
– a marriage has to breathe
– partners can’t be clinging vines that are inseparable
– in strong marriages, marriage partners feel secure in facing life
– they gain a sense of fulfillment from what they do individually
– clearly, great marriages are made when both individuals have a strong sense of worth and a positive self-image so that each can stand alone
v. A relationship with permanence and stability
– it’s for better, for worse… it’s forever
– there can be no escape hatch
–
– on the one hand, Bible commitment is demanding
– it’s radical, exclusive, through thick and thin, good till the grave, for better for worse
– that can sound like a life sentence
– well, in some ways it is
– you’d better think about it before you get hooked up
– on the other hand, that kind of commitment provides security and safety
– God says you can’t handle marriage without commitment
– I know how you are made and what you are like on the inside
– you can’t handle hurts of breaking up every five years
– you are too fragile on the inside to take having your heart ripped out without an enormous amount of destruction
– dream marriages last a lifetime
3. HOW DO WE BUILD A DREAM MARRIAGE?
i. Understand the meaning of marriage
– We need to understand the meaning of marriage
– Marriage is not simply a relationship to make me happy and fulfilled
– Marriage is much more than a legal contract
– Marriage establishes a “one-flesh” relationship
Matthew 19:5
‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
ii. Recognize a dream marriage is not automatic
– recognize the obstacles
– prioritize your life to enhance your marriage
iii. Learn to receive and to express your love
– love is a learned behavior
– we are not born with the ability to love
– we only learn to love as we receive love
– if we have been love-starved in our upbringing, we’ll find it difficult to receive love as adults
– no two people have the same ability to give and receive love
iv. Make Christ the center of your home
Jesus makes a difference in the home when he is made a full partner in the marriage. He changes motives. He changes desires. He softens the heart and enables us to love. He gives us wisdom in knowing how to avoid the pitfalls of marriage and how to navigate through the rough times.
v. Practice biblical principles in the home
– what the Bible says about spiritual living applies to the home
– the biblical values of forgiveness, kindness, gentleness and a servant-heart all need to be applied to living in the home
You can receive this material regularly by email – just fill in your email address at the bottom right side of this page under subscription options and you will receive a copy of each new article as it is posted. You can also subscribe to the newsfeed at the bottom left of the home page. Just fill in your email address. To forward the material to someone else, press the “share this” button and fill in an email address.