LONELINESS: Feeling alone in a Crowd

I have rarely felt loneliness, but I did once, while visiting Victoria Falls, on the border of Zimbabwe and Zambia. There were thousands of people around, but I was alone, viewing one of the most spectacular sights in the world. I wished my wife or children could have been with me. I didn’t like the feeling. What did I do?  I said to myself, “I may be alone and I may wish Ruth was with me, but I’m not going to let these feelings ruin my time here at Victoria Falls. There are millions of people who would love to see Victoria Falls and the closest they will ever get is in the pages of the National Geographic Magazine.”

I still wished Ruth had been with me but the feelings of loneliness eased.

Loneliness is not necessarily being alone. Being alone is solitude. Solitude can be invigorating and refreshing. Loneliness can be debilitating.

Loneliness is the lack of emotional closeness. The pain of loneliness is no respecter of persons. Lonely people can be found in every profession, economic level, church congregation, ethnic group, age group and culture. It can happen to the person who lives alone and has no family nearby and also to the person who is surrounded by crowds of people. Some marriages breed loneliness, rather than fostering closeness.

As a pastor I’ve seen a parade of lonely people pass through my office. Many people do not have even one person with whom they can share the joys and sorrows of life.

One man was so lonely he purchased a cell phone, trying to connect with people. He said, “Nobody called me. I even hoped somebody would call a wrong number so for at least a few moments I’d feel someone was thinking of me, but the phone never rang!”

In a world with sophisticated technological equipment, people feel lonelier than ever. We have computers that communicate with each other but we have lonely people operating the computers.

One person said, “Loneliness is synonymous with life.” He added, “We enter the world alone, die alone and face God alone!”

Loneliness affects people of all ages. No one is immune. Obviously bereavement can bring great loneliness. Leaders know the loneliness of leadership. A salesman on a business trip knows the cold loneliness of a hotel room.

Loneliness can hit at any time in life. Teenagers and seniors both struggle with loneliness.

The most recent U.S. data shows almost a quarter of people complain of frequently feeling lonely.

MYTHS ABOUT LONELINESS

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. What do you think when you see a person sitting alone in a restaurant? We often think the person is lonely when he/she may be very content and enjoying a time of solitude.

You can be lonely in a crowd but you can be content and fulfilled when you are alone.

All singles are lonely. More than 40% of adults in America are single and many people think all singles must be lonely. That is not true. Some singles are lonely; many singles are not lonely because they have built a circle of close friends.

Married people are never lonely. Some single people think that if they could only get married, they would solve the problem of loneliness. Not so! If you are lonely before you are married, you will likely be lonely after you are married! The truth is, some of the loneliest people in the world are married people who are trapped in an unfulfilling marriage lacking communication and intimacy.

Christians are never lonely. Obviously, this is a myth.  Christians can be lonely from time to time, though Christians who are chronically lonely are probably violating some biblical principle.

If I’m lonely, I must have done something wrong. Loneliness is not punishment for wrong behavior. Times of loneliness can hit the greatest saint among us.

If my circumstances were different, I wouldn’t be lonely. We have to learn how to cope with and respond to the circumstances in our lives.

WHAT CAUSES LONELINESS?

A lack of emotional intimacy. Loneliness is an emotion, not a circumstance. Loneliness is an emotion, not a thing. You can’t touch loneliness. Loneliness is an attitude to the world around you.

Each of us has a need for emotional intimacy or closeness with someone else. When that closeness is continually denied, we may experience times of loneliness.

Loneliness is rooted in a deep craving for emotional intimacy. We feel lonely when we are deprived of the emotional closeness we desire.

Wm. Glasser in his book Reality Therapy said, “At all times in our lives we must have at least one person who cares about us and whom we care for ourselves. If we do not have this, we will not be able to face our basic needs. Among the basic needs are the needs to love, be loved and to feel that we are worthwhile to ourselves and to others.” In other words, we all need emotional closeness with someone.

Our need for emotional closeness varies. This shows up when a couple first marries. A marriage relationship needs both closeness and breathing space. But we all have a need for closeness with someone. Loneliness is the feeling that we are deprived of that closeness.

Marriage partners who have a great deal of emotional closeness and who do not develop close friendships outside the marriage relationship have the hardest time adjusting to the death of a spouse.

Faulty thinking. Loneliness is understandable if the intimacy and closeness we desire is denied, but loneliness can be self-induced. Some loneliness is of our own making.

We say things like, I’m alone. I don’t have any friends. There must be something wrong with me. Nobody likes me. If we talk to ourselves like that, it shouldn’t surprise us if we feel lonely.

HOW TO DEAL WITH LONELINESS

Accept the realities of loneliness. Admit your loneliness to yourself.  Say the words, “I feel lonely.”

Try to understand the causes. Is it a temporary feeling that will be over in a few hours or is it a chronic situation? Are there unusual circumstances that explain the feelings?

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Ask yourself the next question:  “What am I going to do about it?” Be prepared to do something.

Reject escapism. Some people go on a shopping spree or take drugs or raid the fridge. These things may offer temporary relief but they often accentuate the loneliness after it’s all over.

Become physically active. Exercise releases certain chemicals into your brain and is one of nature’s ways of energizing your body. The chemicals that are released into your body when you exercise have a positive effect on your emotions.

Refocus your thinking. Feelings of loneliness are closely associated with times of self-awareness. Lonely people tend to think about themselves a great deal. There’s self-pity and preoccupation with personal problems.

If loneliness persists, get your mind off yourself. Challenge the “me-first” mentality when it gets its meat hooks into you.

Refocus your thinking. Read a book. Pray for someone. Do something that will occupy your mind.

Become a goal-oriented person. Persistent loneliness sometimes indicates a lack of purpose. The lack of a goal can induce loneliness and loneliness can take away the desire to do anything.

People who conquer loneliness have something to live for. People who are busy working to achieve something are too busy to feel self-conscious and lonely!

If you suffer from chronic loneliness, set some goals for yourself. Set some goals that you can achieve this week and some that will take you a year or two to achieve.

Become positive. Be an encourager. Give instead of demanding. Put yourself in places where you can make friends. Show an interest in the needs of others. Take the initiative in being friendly.

Dag Hammarskjold said, “Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.”

There is absolutely no point in sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself. Focus on what you have, not on what you don’t have.

Practice the presence of God. The apostle Paul knew the realities of being alone and did his best to surround himself with friends and partners. But at times he was alone. Near the end of his life, while in prison awaiting his execution, Paul was alone and wrote, At my first defense, no one came to my support, everyone deserted me… But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength. (2 Timothy 4:16‑17).